I’m talking to you. And to myself. To all of those who “know who they are.”
Sometimes it all feels pointless. No matter how much I believe in myself, the one closest to me shoots me down. Confidence wavering, I wonder if it’s still a possibility, or if like the rest of my futile life, just a fantasy. I know I’m good at it, but can I sell myself? Will they want what I have to put out there? Or will all the heart and soul I’ve put in remain hidden in dresser drawers? I have a voice, yet it still seems meek. Why can I be strong and vocal for the cause of another, yet so impotent and spineless myself. I must believe I can do this. I KNOW I can do this. It’s all I’ve ever wanted and I cannot take the heartbreak of losing my dream. My voice is all I have left. I need to find it, channel it, make it sing out loud, if off key, to the world.
It kills me little by little. Every word directed at me, but not to me. I cannot fuel your dreams. I need all my strength and energy for my own. I’ve enabled you, supported you, and been there through the good and bad. I know you don’t see or feel that way. I’ve weathered more than most and kept so much inside. It’s my turn now. I know I will struggle, but I can taste my dream. I can’t afford to lose any more of my self to help you. You think I want to abandon you in your despair. I am here, but I can no longer help you. I have done what I can, and now am here, at your side, but that’s all I have left. You are savvy and strong, and will get beyond the barricade that is before you. It won’t be easy, nothing worth it ever is, but you will need to learn to have more faith in yourself. I need to learn that too. All the toxic words and actions from all the outside engagements have to stop. You need to take small victories, small happiness steps. It won’t be roses every day, but there might be a tiny rose in each day. You need to look for it and be wary of the thorns. Don’t let them catch your sleeves.
It will work out, and yes, I’m ever the optimist. I have to be. And you know that. There has been much in my life I’ve needed to stretch beyond, to block out, or to file away. It doesn’t mean I’m simple or ignoring fate. I am choosing the path that saves me, that gives me the strength to wake each day and move forward. I am a survivor and so are you. Just learn to believe in your ability and yourself. Stop the self flagellation and remorse. Stop the endless despair, I can tell you honestly it does nothing to help any situation. Choose wisely. You are standing at the fork now, the paths are all open with possibilities. You have to search beyond the obvious and you will find that which is lost. Positive energy and thoughts will guide you, the negative will slow you down, mired in muck and self despair.
Be strong, courageous and careful. Life is waiting.