It seems that vacation spells disaster in our home. Now 16, the malevolent anger is directed at his brother. Words, like weapons are sharper than knives, and it breaks my heart to see that one 16 year old boy can torment and tear apart a family. Vehemence spews forth, terrorizing his 14 year old brother to the point of tears and the dreaded s word. Yes the word suicide floated above the barely misted morning in our home today. My poor, calm, loving 14 year old, upset, in turmoil, not comprehending why his brother is so cruel. In retaliation, my husband, the Punisher. Making things worse by taking away all computer privileges, even though the 16 year old has math to complete by the end of vacation, or risk failing an entire course. Deleting his much looked forward to birthday party from our plane of existence. There are no threats or consequences that the boy understands. He will now punish us, by remaining in his bed for the next two weeks. The Punisher, now exhibiting chest pain and irrational anger, is also in bed. As to the victim. He is slowly regaining his composure, thinking of how to toughen up for the next bout, which can happen tomorrow or next year. The little one, concerned for the 14 year old, but still oblivious to how she will be affected. Vacation cancelled, stringent punishments, even for me as my son tears apart our family.
I have a headache. It is the kind that sits dormant, waiting, the kind that forces tears to my eyes unbidden as I stumble through my Sunday morning chores. My heart is truly broken, and no matter how I search, I cannot find any answers. Wanting to still my fears, to quiet my own angst, I feel that I need to create an alternate reality, one where all are safe and calm. I need to shelter my babies, all of them, and try to undo the damage. There is nobody I can turn to for solace, for understanding, or for salvation. I feel utterly alone and scared.
I fail to understand why my child, who is loved beyond words, taken care of, given every opportunity to shine, can be so feral and mean. How does this anger sit within him, how does it manifest? He has more privileges than most, although we have less than most, and we go out our way to assist him in his endeavors, celebrating his successes, and cheering him up when he needs a lift. Why can our family unit not be whole, loving parents and children who get along for the most part, without raging hormones kicking in, and too much testosterone taking over?
I want what seems like so little, but is really so much. I want peace, health, which somehow eludes us, heart conditions, autoimmune conditions, other health issues abound, yet we get through them all, and move forward. I want my kids to get along, to realize that family is all we have, and our small unit of five is essential. Each of us has a part to play, but we cannot digress too much from the script. We can be stronger, we can get through these hard times, but two domineering personalities, one adult, one teen, do more harm in our home than a plague. There are no words to describe my grief this morning, no magical coffee bean to make the pain dissipate, no hope. I despair. Hoping that time will heal, although I know we will never forget. It is harder when my husband and my eldest do not forgive. And they do not.
Wishing everyone else peace and happiness, I will try to find my space with the ones I love the most.