This week was a turning point for me, a real wake up call if you will. I actually collapsed, face down on the kitchen floor, from exhaustion, stress, anxiety. I have been trying over the last two months to start getting my life in order. Living healthy, going to the gym, losing excess weight and generally trying to learn to keep it all together. What I learned this week was that nobody on the planet gives a hoot what happens to me, short of maybe my mother. My husband is trying to make nice, but if he really cared, I would not have gotten the speech about how hard HE works, how HE is exhausted all the time, how this is what HE deals with on a daily basis. I work for him, supposed to be with him, but his controlling and explosive personality does not allow the partnership that we could have. I haven’t had a day off in over a year, and the sad truth is that although he puts in more hours at the office, I am doing hard physical labor for 4-5 hours a day, after rising at 5:00 AM to take care of the kids, laundry and lunches and breakfast, getting the dog together. I drop off the kids at school and have a blessed hour at the gym. My time. Lost in my music, hoping to get fit and healthy. Then off to work until school lets out. Then stress of teen angst form two close in age boys, and a cranky girl. More laundry, errands, dinner, help with homework, a second dinner for my husband who gets home late, I am wiped out and passed out by 9:00 pm, if I last that long. Honestly, I don’t see how I can go on like this. I am not even allowed a sick day unless it is a Saturday.
So my lessons, my friends, once they heard were all “I am worried about you,” “why didn’t you call me?” I learned today that I am all alone. Boca is a lonely place. I am tired of always inviting people over with no reciprocity. I need to find real friends. I need to get a life.